Jun 13 22

June 13th 2022 · 334 words, 1 minute read

I was feeling angry earlier today.
Now that anger has been replaced by a deep sadness.

I moved away from something I'd wanted to do since I was a boy. Because when I finally got the chance to fulfill my dream, it didn't exactly turn out the way I'd expected it to be.
I felt boxed in, and disposable.
I had to make a choice and choose my loyalties.

Watching your hopes and dreams disappear into the horizon is brutally painful.
The people responsible blamed it squarely on me, when I felt that they explicitly had a hand in pushing me in the wrong direction.

I don't know how to forgive. Especially when the wrongdoers deny messing up on their part.
The anger and resentment is still fresh today.
I don't see any path to an amicable reconciliation if someone doesn't admit they screwed up.

We are wasting time here that could be used to achieve so many great things.
I took a stand because I knew if I caved in that one time, it would forever take away any self-worth and value that I had left.

I am aware that my ego may have played a part in all this but without it I'd have no credibility left. Bending over to the wrong people sends a wrong message to the others. It tells them that you're worthless and simply to be used and thrown away with no repercussions.

It is hard to admit you're wrong and ask for forgiveness.
This reminds me of my fvck-ups in the past. I admitted my wrongs years later, but it never felt enough. If given the chance, I'd have liked to properly ask for forgiveness one more time, before I die.

Sadness engulfs my heart thinking about it all. People wronged me and didn't own up to it. But I have also wronged others, and never given a proper formal apology. I wish I could fix things on my end, because everyday I am reminded of it.