Jun 19 22

The shadows of darkness keep trying to pull me back in, but I choose to walk in the path of light.

I've lived through some very difficult and trying times.
I used to think that I had a very rough childhood. But after I became an adult, each passing year made it clearer that my happiest and best moments in life, were in the past.
A good 60% of my dreams are from my childhood and teenage years. 30% are from recent and current times. And 10% are nightmares.

Each time I fall asleep, I find myself reliving through the past. Because the present has nothing going on for me. And the future looks so dire and bleak.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm alone but then I realize that I push away people at the first sign of trouble.
I've become proactive in avoiding horrible people because they affect my mental stability.
Each horrible person that I meet drives me closer to the edge of the cliff. I'm not suicidal, but I'm afraid that the first person who tries to throw me off the cliff will wish that I was.

The thing about revenge is that once you get started, there is no stopping. Revenge is a train of vengeance driven by anger, and hatred.
There are a lot of people who have hurt us throughout our lives. How many of them deserve forgiveness?

My goodness was rewarded with manipulation and mockery.
A lot of people mistook it for a weakness. And they tried to exploit me.
I am aware of a lot of horrible people who are either suffering or about to do so.
And I've began to find myself incapable of feeling empathy for these individuals.

There's a part of me that still looks up to the goodness in others.
And I've been desperately trying to keep it alive.
I still want to be a good person. But I don't think the world deserves it.