Bothered

I feel bothered that I'm taking over my mother a bit that much. Including her temper, her ways of expressing displeasure, her impatience to people. Her ways of expressing displeasure is by giving silent treatment. The long ones. It used to left me feeling heartbroken as a kid, a teenager, when in the receiving end of it. I don't know what I wrongs I did exactly, she didn't explain, just turn her back and giving me cold shoulders. The only way for us to get back at speaking terms again, is for me to apologize at her. I stepped over my self worth, my pride (what's left of that?) and apologized again and again without ever receiving any CLEAR EXPLANATION of what went wrong in the first place. At that time when I was younger, I used to recite silently that I won't be like her when I grow up, I won't shunning out my loved ones when I'm angry at them, no other person deserved to feel unworthy like this. Yet wow! I'm turning out to be the same exact copy of her when expressing emotions. The cycle is continued through me: she was neglected emotionally as child by her father (because she's not a son), she was rewarded when she follow the rule and doesn't show any distress because it's whining, it's unbecoming, a person who is a believer always have faith and won't complain in life. Complaining means ungrateful. And then I continued that believe, perpetuating it by becoming a composed, behave in evenly manner, yet the inside is thoroughly erratic. My friend once complained that I always ghost them, emotionally available, and feel "distanced" although she considers me as close friend. Always close, but always out of reach. I'm a bad friend,I was never available for them. The solution at that time was clear: just erase the one that was problematic, the toxic one. The stream will be cleared, I cut off my contact one by one through the years. And then no one remained, I appreciated the quietness of this man-made echo chamber. This is a long nonsense, by tomorrow I'll forget about this all and maybe I'll continue inhaling the debris of this vapid atmosphere.