Exercise

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The trick to dealing with online discourse is to either avoid it entirely or to see it as a trip to the zoo where instead of animals you're looking at a menagerie of ways to be wrong

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The trick to the second one is developing a level of confidence where you're immune to the sort of people who say "I'm deeply traumatized so don't you dare even think about holding opinions different from mine"

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Or the people who are like "you'll agree with me once you have more experience". It's a trap. You'll always be too inexperienced.

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If you can stomach it, watching people be wrong on the internet is actually very good for you, because it helps make you aware of all the ways people use perfectly reasonable forms of speech to say things that are perfectly unreasonable. And that in turn makes you more aware of your own biases and susceptibility to propaganda.

Epictetus says, “Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, you must believe that you are being harmed. If someone succeeds in provoking you, you realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.”

If we just take a moment before reacting, a reframe of perception can save us from objective and inconsequential matters. By altering our attitude towards setback and shifting our mindset towards optimism or indifference, we can become immune to frustration, anger, and unhappiness.

“She could be mean. But I don’t think it was malicious. A lot of it came down to insecurity. Anytime I was happy outside of our world, it made her uncomfortable. Both of us were actors. And if she ever needed to travel for work; we’d be fine. More than fine. I’d be happy for her. But whenever I got an out-of-town gig; it was always a problem. Some of my friendships made her uncomfortable: women, always. But also friends I’d known for a long time. Any time she detected an intimacy that she wasn’t a part of—she’d feel threatened. So I withdrew from a lot of my friendships. It just wasn’t worth the risk of setting her off. I became a caretaker. Everything flowed one way: keeping her away from negative thoughts, and negative places. I felt sympathy for her. I thought: ‘She can’t help her insecurities. Why should I punish her for them?’ So I committed myself to making it work. Everything made so much sense on paper. We moved into a nice apartment, and got a dog. I had a great relationship with her parents. It was hard to let go of all that. But mostly I just didn’t realize I could be truly happy if I did the brave thing. Right before the pandemic I got a gig in Germany. I spent most of my free time in the hotel room, waiting for her to wake up in New York, because if she ever called and I was doing something, she’d be super upset. On the last week she came to visit. One night she got drunk and jealous. And the next morning I caught her looking through my phone. After six years-- after all the counseling-- we were back at square one. Worse than square one, because the wedding was coming. It wasn’t the end. But it was the beginning of the end, because I finally started to confide in people. I remember one of my friends telling me: ‘You deserve to be happy.’ Such a simple idea, but I needed to hear it. Now I have a new fiancée. And it’s a completely different feeling. When I used to envision a future with my ex, everything was so vague. It was so detached from the present. It all had to be so different from the way things were. But with my current fiancé—it’s a straight line. Nobody has to change who they are. It’s just building on what’s already there.”

“He tried to be a life coach. One time he brought a green screen into our apartment, and filmed a video advertisement. I could hear him saying: ‘Do you want to change your life? Do you want to make better decisions?’ I remember thinking how funny that was; him wanting to be responsible for other people’s lives. Because he could never take responsibility for his own. There were times he would break things, because of his anger. He’d punch doors, or throw things across the room. But even when he apologized, he’d shift the blame on us—for making him so angry. I was the oldest sibling, and there always seemed to be a special anger reserved for me. I could never explain it. Then one day he sat me down. He said: ‘I have to talk to you about the way I used to behave.’ He used the words: ‘used to behave.’ Even though it was the way he still behaved. He said: ‘You have to understand: your birth wasn’t planned. We weren’t ready. And after you were born, that’s when things got difficult.’ I guess he'd figured that out in therapy. But I have no idea what therapist told him to have that conversation with an eleven-year-old. After that day I felt guilty for even existing. Part of me feels sorry for him. He’s pushed everyone away. He separated from my mom a few years ago. Even my youngest sister doesn’t talk to him anymore. When I turned twenty-one he kept sending me texts, asking to meet up for my birthday. I ignored him at first. But finally I agreed to meet, because part of me wanted to see what he was going to say. We met at a coffee shop. He said: ‘I’ve been reflecting a lot. And I finally understand that it was never your fault. It was your mother. I think she got pregnant on purpose, because she wanted to keep me.”

If you haven’t heard Steph read the audio version of ‘Tanqueray,’ you’re missing out. At first the audio department was leaning toward hiring a voice actress. But they invited Steph into the studio for a test read—just in case. Five minutes later everyone in the sound booth was high-fiving each other. How quickly we’d forgotten that our heroine is an elite performer across all mediums. Her voice adds a punch of hilarity to the funny stories, and the ending especially gets quite emotional. Both the book and audiobook have a ‘5-star’ review rating, but many reviewers say the audio version is their favorite. The book reads like an oral history, so it makes sense. One reviewer writes: ‘It’s like having the most interesting person at the party, all to yourself.’ ‘Tanqueray’ is available on Audible, and wherever audiobooks are sold.

“From all sour faced saints, deliver me O’ Lord. I don’t want to be with a grouch, a crab, a crocodile in a moat. The grumps are a small minority. But they’re vocal. Yes, the grumps are vocal. They have unresolved things, maybe from their childhood. They’re not disconnected from God. But they’re wrestling with him. Not a bad thing, mind you. Not a bad thing. But I want to hang out with people who enjoy life. At home I have a sunshine file; it’s just a plastic box. Inside are all the letters people have written me over the years: teenagers in the youth group, widows who lost their husbands. People who I was able to make a difference in their life. For two years I was chaplain on the children’s ward of the cancer hospital. What can you say? You can’t explain why some things happen. Only that it’s a mystery. And a mystery is reality, imbued with God’s presence. One Christmastime there was a ten-year old girl from Ireland, dying of leukemia. All this girl wanted was a Cabbage Patch Doll. Ugliest doll you’ve ever seen in your life, seventy-five dollars. Seventy-five dollars! And sold out everywhere. The mother told me:’ I’ve looked in every store.’ That same day a family from my parish asked what I wanted for Christmas. I say: one Cabbage Patch Doll, and two walkie talkies. They said: ‘Father, are you sure?’ I told them: ‘Yes I’m sure. I was a kid once too!’ The Cabbage Patch Doll went to the little girl. Then I gave one walkie-talkie to her, and one to her twin brother. So they could speak while she was in isolation. After she passed away the mother wrote me a letter. I keep it in my sunshine file. It said: ‘Those walkie-talkies were the best medicine she ever had.’”

Why your brain loves it when you exercise, plus 3 easy ways to work out at home
Feb 2, 2021 / Mary Halton
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Pete Ryan

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here. 

Motivation is not in high supply these days — but ensuring that we move a little bit every day is more important for us than ever, according to Wendy Suzuki PhD, a neuroscientist at New York University.

Dr. Suzuki studies the neurological impacts of exercise, and she says that just a walk around the block or a 10-minute online workout will not only improve your day but also benefit your brain in a lasting way.

“Exercising to increase your fitness literally builds brand new brain cells. It changes your brain’s anatomy, physiology and function,” she explains. “Every time you work out, you are giving your brain a neurochemical bubble bath, and these regular bubble baths can also help protect your brain in the long term from conditions like Alzheimer’s and dementia.”

This sounds great. But it’s hard to turn those long-term benefits into motivation to get up and do something every day.
Start by thinking of exercise — or any movement — as part of your daily routine for caring for your body, like brushing your teeth.

Since most of us are currently in staying-alive-and-keeping-other-people-alive mode, getting toned, losing weight or looking different might not be such useful goals to have right now. Instead, says Dr. Suzuki, the immediate benefits of exercise can serve as more relevant motivators: “It’s really the new way to bring wellness to your brain.” A single workout increases neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin and noradrenaline, and these mood boosters can also improve your memory and focus for up to three hours afterwards.

Not only can this help us in our work but it’s also incredibly good for our mental health. In August 2020, Dr. Suzuki informally tested this out with a group of students in one of her NYU classes over Zoom. Participants took a quick five-minute anxiety assessment, and then she surprised them with a 10-minute IntenSati workout. After they exercised, the students took the assessment again.

“What we found is the first time they took that assessment, they were scoring at close to clinical anxiety levels,” she recalls. “After a 10-minute workout, their anxiety scores decreased to normal levels. That is why you need to incorporate these bursts of activity in your day; it helps your mental health and it also helps your cognition.”
So, how much do you need to exercise in order to feel those benefits?

That, says Dr. Suzuki, is the billion-dollar question. Unfortunately, there’s no simple answer: 5 pushups or 10 burpees don’t automatically release a set amount of dopamine. In her 2017 TED Talk, she recommends trying to fit in 30-minute sessions of exercise 3 to 4 times a week.

But the real answer — especially now — is to exercise for as long as you can, ideally doing a little bit every day. “Even a walk can start to give you those neurotransmitter and mood benefits,” she adds.

Many of the positive effects she mentions come from doing cardiovascular exercise — that is, any workout that gets your heart rate up. But even this can be more accessible than it feels. A vigorous session of power vacuuming will get your heart pumping, even if you can’t go for a run. If your building has stairs, take them instead of an elevator.

Even if you start with just a few minutes a day, it’s likely that you will end up increasing what you’re doing over time. That’s what research in Dr. Suzuki’s lab has shown. “The more exercise you do — if you are successful at regularly exercising — the more motivation you gain,” she says. “I don’t want to do it some mornings, but then I remember how good it really feels at the end.”

When is the best time to work out? Similarly, there’s no need to be too prescriptive with timing, according to Dr. Suzuki. As she puts it, “Anytime you feel like working out? Work out. That will be beneficial to you. So whenever you find time, just do it, especially if you’re a parent with young children.”

Her personal approach is to exercise in the mornings, so she can bring those cognitive benefits into her work day. But if you find you’re most productive in the evenings, it might be a good time for you. “Try to enhance the natural tendency you know you have,” advises Dr. Suzuki.
That sounds great, but what if you live in a small apartment with two kids and your neighbors will complain if you do burpees at 10PM?

That’s where online fitness comes in. Embrace all the available options, and find the ones that work best for your situation, both in length and type of exercise. “It’s not weird to work out in your living room,” she says. “It’s great. It’s so convenient. I love it!”

One of the most prolific areas of online fitness is on TikTok, where many coaches and personal trainers are sharing workouts for all body types and living situations.

Justin Agustin, a personal trainer based in Montreal, Canada, has been offering short workouts that don’t require special equipment or choreography.

Here are three with great exercises to do at home. They’re perfect for people working out in small indoor spaces who want a short fitness break (and you can find dozens more on his TikTok):

Watch Wendy Suzuki’s TED Talk here:

About the author

Mary Halton is a science journalist based in the Pacific Northwest. You can find her on Twitter at @maryhalton

adviceblogbrainsexercisehow to be a better humanjustin agustinneurosciencesciencewendy suzuki

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    Could the ways you cope with stress be undermining you? Here are healthier ways to respond

Sep 7, 2021 / Wendy Suzuki PhD
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Danlin Zhang

Good Anxiety is the title of the new book from NYU neuroscientist Wendy Suzuki PhD — but it’s one that will surprise those of us who think of anxiety as strictly bad news. However, through her work, Suzuki has come to find, as she writes, that “anxiety can shift from something we try to avoid and get rid of to something that is both informative and beneficial.”

The key is taking the information that your anxiety is telling you and using it to live in ways that support your well-being. Below, she explains how to evaluate the ways you cope with stress and change them for the better.

In the face of stressors and the anxiety they often trigger, we all develop coping strategies to manage and get ourselves back on track. These go-to behaviors or thought processes often function automatically, beneath our conscious awareness, and many were developed when we were younger and less mindful.

We developed these coping mechanisms to self-soothe or avoid uncomfortable feelings. But when these coping mechanisms stop working to manage stress, they tend to make matters worse, exacerbating our anxiety and undermining our belief that we are in control of our lives.

If you cope in ways that are productive for you, then your anxiety is probably under control. But if you cope in ways that undermine your health, job, safety or relationships, it may be time to consider your options.

What’s more, our coping strategies often reflect our relationship to anxiety. If you cope in ways that are productive for you, then you probably have your anxiety under control. If you cope with stress in ways that undermine your health, job, safety or relationships, it may be time to consider your options.

In general, coping mechanisms are considered to be either adaptive (good at helping us manage the stress) or maladaptive (bad for us because they cause other damage, through avoiding a problem that then gets bigger or giving us another problem, as with alcohol dependence or abuse). When the feelings underneath these behaviors are left untouched or unprocessed, those components of anxiety will grow and stay stuck. Then our negative coping behaviors only end up reinforcing our inability to manage or regulate our feelings.

Take Liza, a hard-driving career woman. A graduate of a top-ranked business school, she dove into a career in financial services and is well liked and well respected by colleagues. But suddenly she’s 41 with no life outside of work. She’s a workaholic, and up until now all of this dedication and motivation to succeed has paid dividends to her bank account and sense of self-worth.

But lately she goes home to her apartment feeling totally burned out. She drinks three to four glasses of wine to relax and fall asleep. Her alarm gets her up at 5AM so she can go for a run and make it to the office by 7AM. This is her cycle and it has worked for her for years, but not anymore. Liza now wakes up already feeling depleted. She is lonely, plagued with self-doubt, and beginning to question what is driving her so hard.

Then, if you respond by isolating yourself, you remove the opportunity for encouragement and support from your social relationships and take away a vital bad-anxiety buffer.

To better understand how this happens, it can help to take a look at what is actually happening in the body when bad anxiety takes the wheel. In short:

• When your brain-body is under chronic strain from anxiety, your capacity to manage emotions becomes downregulated — less effective at responding to internal or external stimuli. You become highly sensitive to stress of any kind and can begin to feel self-doubts and a loss of confidence.

• Next, when your body is depleted and doesn’t get enough restorative time and rest, it will not be able to kick up your motivation, the predominant emotion of a positive mindset. This inability to reset further erodes the capacity to maintain emotion regulation.

• Then, if you respond by isolating yourself, you remove the opportunity for encouragement and support from your social relationships and thereby take away a vital bad-anxiety buffer.

• Further, if you look to drugs or alcohol for relief, you may unintentionally exacerbate your anxiety once the “high” has passed. Indeed, drugs and alcohol act as a depressant on the nervous system. They also interfere with the brain-body’s processing of dopamine and serotonin, giving you a false sense of relief from anxiety.

It is entirely possible to change your current negative ways of coping with anxiety and also their underlying effects on your brain and body.

These responses represent a downregulation in functioning of various neural pathways of the brain-body. Yet for all these negative coping strategies and their drawbacks, a silver lining can emerge: It is entirely possible to change your current negative ways of coping with anxiety and also their underlying effects on your brain-body.

Restoring emotion regulation requires energy, curiosity and recognizing that you have a choice. But it is absolutely possible for any of us to learn to recognize signs of our own physical depletion and/or emotional dysregulation and begin to make changes. This is the essence of how using good anxiety works.

When you are anxious or upset what do you typically do to calm yourself? Without overthinking, read through the following common negative coping techniques. Which are familiar to you?
Negative Ways to Cope

• Use or abuse alcohol or drugs
• Act violently toward others
• Act out or misbehave on purpose
• Avoid conflict
• Rationalize or blame others for your problems
• Deny there is a problem
• Repress or forget what has happened
• Behave like someone you are not
• Disassociate yourself from a situation
• Exhibit controlling behavior
• Become a workaholic
• Isolate yourself and withdraw from activities and others
• Feel like you need to control or manipulate others
• Refuse to communicate
• Fantasize regularly
• Catastrophize
• Help others over helping yourself

Next, go through the list of positive coping techniques — these are beneficial ways of managing anxiety.
Positive Ways to Cope

• Name your feelings, positive or negative
• Control your anger
• Practice self-reflection
• Seek support from friends and family
• Communicate or talk about your feelings
• Exercise
• Participate in hobbies and/or sports
• Spend time outdoors
• Consider a situation from another point of view
• Remain flexible and open to new ways of thinking
• Keep a journal or engage in another form of conscious self-reflection
• Spend quality time with family, partner, friends
• Use positive self-talk and affirmations
• Meditate or pray
• Clean or organize your workspace or home
• Seek support from a health professional when you need it
• Playing or being with a pet or children

Without judging yourself, ask yourself this: What, if any, of your go-to ways of coping with stress are helping you? Are any hindering you, or having unwanted secondary effects? Also, which of these coping strategies could you do more of?

The more you stay unaware of how your coping mechanisms are no longer benefiting you or giving you the mental break you need, the more intense your bad anxiety will be.

It’s important to be aware of how we respond to stress and feelings of anxiety. The use of more than two or three negative coping strategies can be an indication of being stuck in bad anxiety; on the other hand, use of positive coping strategies shows a tolerance of stress and flexibility around emotions.

Our relationship with anxiety likely changes over time, as does our ability to process it, so our coping strategies necessarily have to be updated and ones that are maladaptive need to be addressed. And sometimes this process requires some work.

The more you stay unaware of how your coping mechanisms are no longer benefiting you or giving you the mental break you need, the more intense your bad anxiety will be and the more entrenched your negative coping strategies will become. But once you see your situation for what it truly is — a case of an overdue update to your coping strategies — you’ll be able to start changing aspects of your situation and orient yourself to a more satisfying life.

Excerpted from the new book Good Anxiety: Harnessing the Power of the Most Misunderstood Emotion by Wendy Suzuki PhD with Billie Fitzpatrick. Copyright © 2021 by Wendy Suzuki PhD. Reprinted by permission of Atria Books, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Watch Dr. Wendy Suzuki’s TED Talk about the transformative power of exercise here: 

About the author

Wendy Suzuki PhD is a professor of neural science and psychology at New York University's Center for Neural Science and a celebrated international authority on neuroplasticity. She was recently named one of the top 10 women changing the way we see the world by Good Housekeeping and regularly serves as a sought-after expert for publications including The Wall Street Journal, Shape and Health. To date, her TED talk has gotten more than 31 million views on Facebook and was the one of the 10 most viewed TED talks of 2018. She is the author of the books Good Anxiety and Healthy Brain, Happy Life.