Nov 21 22

It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

I think I jinx myself by overthinking about the worst possible scenarios.
Everything that I thought about, happened. None of the good things. Only the bad things.

I was at the hospital for a while.

My brother just left this morning.
We had some long talks, about life, about us.
He was right about everything.
We just aren't built to be around people. He told me to stay away from people, and I should've listened.
Should've, but I didn't.

There's so much to think about, and internalize. I don't think it's a wise move to let everything out all the time.
For the past few months, actually, I'd opened up quite a lot. And I started getting too cozy around people. I wanted to be around people more and more. But it wasn't good for me. It wasn't good for them.
I judged people, I criticized them, and I fell in love. Again.
How many times can the human heart fall in love?
How many times can one fall in love, and let go?

I don't think I have it in me to love again.
It hurts. Love hurts.
And it's selfish. Because love is supposed to be pure.
But there's always expectations, aren't there?
I love you. Love me too.
Do you love me?
Why don't you love me?
What am I lacking?
What is wrong with me?
Am I not good enough?

And all these thoughts, and a million others just consume you. They eat you alive.
It's not easy to let go.
I think I ruined everything.

You can't force someone to love you.
You can't ask them to love you back.
That's selfish.
You can't ask them to spend more time with you, or talk to you, or do things with you.
If they wanted to, they would. If they don't, you just have to deal with it.
The best thing you can do is to love them from a distance. And not overwhelm them with your neediness and your expectations and wants and desires.

People have been kind to me, when I didn't deserve it.
People have been gentle with me, when they could easily have been harsh.
And even then, I failed them. I failed myself.

I think the turning point for me, was when I saw tears in my brother's eyes.
He was there because of me. For me.
Yet I had failed him.
I don't think he'd ever seen me weak like this. Frail.

There's a job that needs to be done soon.
And I promised my brother I'd take care of it months ago.
It's something that's taken a lot of time to plan and think about. It's something that's sensitive, that has to be done right. I think I have the finesse and better qualities to handle it, more than him.

I was sick. Then I got hurt. But now I'm feeling better.
My mental state wasn't great either. But prayers helped.

It's been a terrible year.
This is probably going to be my last entry for the year.
I just don't have the energy to talk about things anymore.
And, like my brother said, I think it's better to internalize it and just deal with it than talk about everything.
Talking doesn't help.
It certainly hasn't helped me much.
I think there's been a lot of situations that could've gone better if I'd kept my mouth shut, instead of opening up and talking about my feelings and stuff.